So fuck fantasy football, right? Nothing quite like spending one of the last nice days of the year inside screaming at the saint’s offensive coordinator for suddenly becoming infatuated with running the ball. Second week is in the bag and the only comfort I’ve found is that all your players are slowly dying, mine are just terrible at their sport. But fuck it, it’s almost hockey season.
Mr. Rodgers(2-0): 118.44, Drew-Tang Clan(0-2): 81.68
Our match in gif form:
Oh you probably think you’re so good at fantasy. Beating me and Maurer is like playing on a little hoop against 4th graders after you were cut from your team. Yeah sure, you’re flexing and stroking your ego and it may brush over some scars but those wounds are deep and will show down the line. I’m lulling you all into a false sense of security and have you all where I want you. Sure my WR1 & WR2 combined for 5.1 points but does that even matter? Yahoo likes to call it an “early season statement” for you Nico, I’m partial to shouting into an empty room.
Richard Shmurda(2-0): 100.66, Go For Gould(1-1): 76.04
Your matchup was smoke and mirrors. The “legion” is severely overrated and you wasted a sixth round pick on it. You could have chosen a stone cold RB like Zac Stacy or Toby Gerhart (woo ryan). The league is currently reviewing yours and Nico’s strength of schedule. But I can’t totally hate it because the hurt locker is a top 5 QB in the league and at night when I wake up in a cold sweat missing Jimmy I find comfort in knowing he’s doing well. Brett’s odd empire is crumbling. I have it on good authority that he has eleven, yes eleven, pending WW moves. So it’s time for people to try to sell low on your team and rip you off. Expect a vote down from me in most regards. And rev up your fire sale because the smoke has cleared and you’re an idiot.
Rare satellite images of Brett at his laptop right now: 
Ryanasaurus Rex(1-1): 117.88, SKITTLES(1-1): 83.88
So the Cardinals defense outscored the Bengals defense and I’m not conspiracy dip shit but I won’t rule it out, albeit the cardinals did play the worst team in the NFL. Ryan you’re the chosen one every league gets, that guy holding out for Josh Gordon. And you will get your wish towards the end of the year it seems. That same strategy worked really well for Pierce last year with Percy Harvin if I’m remembering correctly. Finally I’m not going to sit here idly and pretend I didn’t enjoy watching the person who raped me get his cum muffins(sp?). The peak was real in week one, huh? AJ Green going down is super shitty but things look bad for bailey too:
Could be worse though bailey, Toby Gerhart could be your RB2.
big daddy(1-1): 126.58, Kevin Sorbo(0-2): 106.44
Zach winning a a game was easily the shock of the week (season?) for me. Even you have to be a little flabbergasted, your team should be hot garbage but every good boy gets their backpacker. John you don’t come at the bills like that Miami, get that weak shit out of here. We have cancer and the sabers on our side now. I was genuinely impressed with what the name change had brought to your squad but then I remember Kevin Sorbo is an evangelical, stroke ridden, bigoted piece of garbage and your team reflected the back end of his career well. Hercules was a shitty show, and as far as being 9 years old while watching it Xena: Warrior Princess was a better TV show for……reasons….
Michael’s Team(2-0): 115.74, Prince Amukamaurer(0-2): 86.84
You know that one essay you had to do that was exponentially worse than it’s predecessors? The one where you find yourself staring at the wall as the back of your eyes thrum and you idly hit the keyboard unsure of what diarrhea you are conjuring into this world? The sheer lament you feel at forcing some undeserving soul to read it? That’s how I feel writing about either of your teams. Silver lining? I enjoy the competition Maurer and I are having for the worst team in the league.
MUSIC BREAK
Week Two Awards
- The James Dolan: Drew-Tang Clan It’s me. My top 5 draft picks are averaging 5.7 points a week. Speaking of James Dolan you know he recorded a song about Trayvon Martin? Sounds wonderful and not offensive. Can’t flimflam the zimzam.
- The Blank Shooter: Kevin Sorbo, Miami – D/ST: -1.0 points
- Jennifer Lawrence’s Tits: Drew-Tang Clan, 32.19 points
- Backpacker’s Anonymous Inductee: Mr. Rodgers, Aaron Rodgers: 28.64 points
- The Restless Night: Michael’s Team, Antonio Gates: 27.6 points
So there’s the second week. Are the 0-2 teams dead with the new 6 team playoff system? Likely. Did I lose my ability to be funny? Potentially. Will I find the time to write a preview for next week? Mayhaps. Am I going to go into commish tools and change vigs’ team name? Looming. How many trades has Pierce sent out in an attempt to screw over Brett? Dozens. Will the first trade of the year involve Brett giving away his top draft picks? Absolutely. Am I struggling to think a name for the 6th award I thought of? What authority does my dilapidated managerial skills have to criticize any of you? Am I running out of questions? All these questions and more on the next installment.
Sons of the Milf 