Week 4 Recap

Another week in the bag and here I sit ready to deliver some word sex to your ears. I think none of your teams are good so we should forget fantasy and just buy 1,000 dollars worth of drugs and all hang out one night. Oh fine, I’m working on a trophy (could go towards the drugs?) Fuck, fine. Want to talk about the elephant in the room? My shit tier team is somehow better than 3 other people’s.

Go For Gould(2-2): 128.04, Drew-Tang Clan(1-3): 115.80

I bet you think there’s some kind of dramatic irony to me pontificating (ooooo, college) on about how awful you are every week only to lose to you, right? I don’t see it. I could seize this moment and humble myself in my writings but instead I want to talk to someone directly. He knows who I am so there’s no need for any further words, just let him know I’ve been thinking about him everyday.

 

John’s Team(2-2): 99.18, Michael’s Team(2-2): 90.32

Prince Amukamaurer(1-3): 121.62, Kirk’s Team(1-2): 47.58

What does this game even mean? Two players from most teams this week outscored bailey’s entire lineup. Welcome to the win club Maurer, we only get one apparently? At least you have your trade block to look forward to.

Richard Shmurda(4-0): 130.68, big daddy(1-3): 90.86

I kinda feel bad for Zach’s team it’s just steadily getting worse each week. Conrad’s team is obviously the best or he’s just playing bad teams? I don’t know, he hasn’t played me yet so he has the former working for him. Instead of talking about this boring matchup, pretending I care and perpetuating hostility towards you guys I thought I’d post this:

How overrated are naked girls tho?

Ryanasaurus Rex(3-1): 121.62, Mr. Rodgers(3-1): 116.86

The fraud was exposed. Toby is a better running back than Shady. Speaking of Shady, Toby is also a better rapper than Slim Shady. I have this nervous tick where whenever someone says that word I have to insult Eminem. Nico doesn’t win another game unless he trades me McCock for Lamar Miller (I will decline).

MUSI-wait…Oh you want me to comment on the trade that happened? Maybe you found it odd I hadn’t brought it up yet? I’m sure you’re all waiting for my opinion on it. Now I want to remain civil and I know the term “trade rape” has been tossed around. For my official statement I’d like to refer to an upcoming motion picture on the entire ordeal:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Week Four Awards

• The James Dolan: John’s Team, Yeah sure you won but leaving Donnell on the bench is on your shoulders. If you played any other team besides vigs (or bailey if we’re using a loose definition of “team”) you’d have lost. The league expects more.
• The Blank Shooter: Prince Amukamaurer Carolina D-ST -4.00 (back to back champs)
• Jennifer Lawrence’s Tits: Kirk’s Team: 49.19…..no words
• Backpacker’s Anonymous Inductee: Ryanasaurus Rex, Andrew Luck: 30.62 (back to back champ)
• The Restless Night: John’s Team, Donnell should win by the books but I’m giving it to Trent Richardson with 15.90 on your bench. You love him and bench you and he showed you who he was, now you’re tossing him aside.

Let’s clear the air. Did I photoshop a porno cover in public? Maybe. So that’s it, next week? Ebola kills Conrad’s entire team, Brut gets married to the ass slaver in Philly, Pierce picks up and drops Lache Seastrunk 16 times, whoever I play continues to score record points that week, Vigs picks up more Rams, Bailey scores half of what he scored this week, Peyton goes down for the year for Zach, Ryan’s RBs have a breakout week both scoring over 10 points, the wheels on Nico’s team fall further off and he sells all his players to Pierce for Lache Seastrunk but Pierce had dropped him and Conrad grabbed him so he gets McCock somehow, Maurer starts Carolina again for negative points, and no one is around to report it because I disappeared into the shadows to watch the NHL because football is soft.

Week 3 Recap

Yeah, it’s wednesday. Fuck you, I’ve been sick. All of your teams are bad and make writing about them a chore.

Richard Shmurda(3-0): 128.24, SKITTLES(1-2): 85.12

So I get it bailey, you kick my ass in the first week then decide you want to fight Maurer for the worst team in the league (spoiler: brett is the only hope in that category). Benching Desean Jackson was soft and I’d make it the worst managerial decision of the week but it really wouldn’t have stopped this massacre from occurring so yeah. I like the dynamic of this matchup and the pending trade. Speaking of trades, what the fuck yahoo? How is your system for trades still so archaic and awful? Thursday night football is a thing yahoo. Between Lynch and Jeffery one of them is going to go down for the season in the next two weeks, book it.

Garthok(1-2): 115.40, Go For Gould(1-2): 69.42

This was kind of sad to watch unfold. It was over as it began thursday night but I still had hopes for brett’s odd managerial patterns in a weird way. Instead I got Drago killing Apollo (I figured Sylvester Stallone analogies are the strongest way to get through to you two so expect more in the future). Brett Keenan Allen is really bad and I’m surprised you haven’t traded him away for jack shit yet. But the biggest ? I have around this matchup was Alfred Blue. You realize he played this week, right?

Drew-Tang Clan(1-2): 106.22, big daddy(1-2): 89.42

How does it feel to give me my first W? Your team is bad and so is mine. Brandon Marshall is pretty soft, I was scared for a minute there but then I remembered our matchup will have little to no consequence on the league because of how awful we are in the grand scheme of things.

Mr. Rodgers(3-0): 107.58, Michael’s Team(2-1): 84.54

Ryanasaurus Rex(2-1): 106.50, Prince Amukamaurer(0-3): 82.84

Oh jesus Maurer, I was pulling for you I really was. Whenever I look at your team is doesn’t seem that bad but then each week you manage to score 80 points. Andrew Luck will carry Ryan to the playoffs and he’ll lose in the first round. Final thoughts: Ryan learn to use the god damn courier and almost as importantly I have an unedited picture of Maurer trying to power through this season with his dignity:

 

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Week Three Awards

• The James Dolan: Go For Gould, I’m giving it to you for the Alfred Blue fiasco. You drop a defense you drafted in the 7th round for him and then he finally gets a shot against one of the worst teams in the NFL and you’re heads not even in the game enough to play him. I’m retiring you from winning this award because I want to open it up to other people to win.
• The Blank Shooter: Prince Amukamaurer, Carolina D-ST: 0.00
• Jennifer Lawrence’s Tits: Prince Amukamaurer: 24.44
• Backpacker’s Anonymous Inductee: Ryanasaurus Rex, Andrew Luck: 32.30
• The Restless Night: Mr Rodgers, Nick Foles: 26.20

Well that’s it.  What’s in store for week four? Can your teams get any worse? Can my WR core get any more depressing? Will I stop writing these recaps once hockey season starts? How overrated is football? Will Brett ever accept a trade? Does he know how to? Will we ever win a DOTA match? Will yahoo’s stupid trade policy ever update to accommodate thursday night games? Will bailey finish paving my neighborhood? Will vigs change his god damn mother fucking name from the auto one it gives you? Sorry fantasy football is such an inconvenience for you and, understandably, the mental anguish of picking a name must be far too severe.  All this and no more in next weeks’ installment of fuck a headcold and montee ball.

Week 2 Recap

So fuck fantasy football, right? Nothing quite like spending one of the last nice days of the year inside screaming at the saint’s offensive coordinator for suddenly becoming infatuated with running the ball. Second week is in the bag and the only comfort I’ve found is that all your players are slowly dying, mine are just terrible at their sport. But fuck it, it’s almost hockey season.

Mr. Rodgers(2-0): 118.44, Drew-Tang Clan(0-2): 81.68

Our match in gif form:

Oh you probably think you’re so good at fantasy.  Beating me and Maurer is like playing on a little hoop against 4th graders after you were cut from your team. Yeah sure, you’re flexing and stroking your ego and it may brush over some scars but those wounds are deep and will show down the line. I’m lulling you all into a false sense of security and have you all where I want you. Sure my WR1 & WR2 combined for 5.1 points but does that even matter? Yahoo likes to call it an “early season statement” for you Nico, I’m partial to shouting into an empty room.

Richard Shmurda(2-0): 100.66, Go For Gould(1-1): 76.04

Your matchup was smoke and mirrors. The “legion” is severely overrated and you wasted a sixth round pick on it. You could have chosen a stone cold RB like Zac Stacy or Toby Gerhart (woo ryan). The league is currently reviewing yours and Nico’s strength of schedule. But I can’t totally hate it because the hurt locker is a top 5 QB in the league and at night when I wake up in a cold sweat missing Jimmy I find comfort in knowing he’s doing well. Brett’s odd empire is crumbling. I have it on good authority that he has eleven, yes eleven, pending WW moves. So it’s time for people to try to sell low on your team and rip you off. Expect a vote down from me in most regards. And rev up your fire sale because the smoke has cleared and you’re an idiot.

Rare satellite images of Brett at his laptop right now: 

Ryanasaurus Rex(1-1): 117.88, SKITTLES(1-1): 83.88

So the Cardinals defense outscored the Bengals defense and I’m not conspiracy dip shit but I won’t rule it out, albeit the cardinals did play the worst team in the NFL. Ryan you’re the chosen one every league gets, that guy holding out for Josh Gordon. And you will get your wish towards the end of the year it seems. That same strategy worked really well for Pierce last year with Percy Harvin if I’m remembering correctly. Finally I’m not going to sit here idly and pretend I didn’t enjoy watching the person who raped me get his cum muffins(sp?). The peak was real in week one, huh? AJ Green going down is super shitty but things look bad for bailey too:

Could be worse though bailey, Toby Gerhart could be your RB2.

big daddy(1-1): 126.58, Kevin Sorbo(0-2): 106.44

Zach winning a a game was easily the shock of the week (season?) for me. Even you have to be a little flabbergasted, your team should be hot garbage but every good boy gets their backpacker. John you don’t come at the bills like that Miami, get that weak shit out of here. We have cancer and the sabers on our side now. I was genuinely impressed with what the name change had brought to your squad but then I remember Kevin Sorbo is an evangelical, stroke ridden, bigoted piece of garbage and your team reflected the back end of his career well. Hercules was a shitty show, and as far as being 9 years old while watching it Xena: Warrior Princess was a better TV show for……reasons….

Michael’s Team(2-0): 115.74, Prince Amukamaurer(0-2): 86.84

You know that one essay you had to do that was exponentially worse than it’s predecessors? The one where you find yourself staring at the wall as the back of your eyes thrum and you idly hit the keyboard unsure of what diarrhea you are conjuring into this world? The sheer lament you feel at forcing some undeserving soul to read it? That’s how I feel writing about either of your teams. Silver lining? I enjoy the competition Maurer and I are having for the worst team in the league.

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Week Two Awards

• The James Dolan: Drew-Tang Clan It’s me. My top 5 draft picks are averaging 5.7 points a week. Speaking of James Dolan you know he recorded a song about Trayvon Martin? Sounds wonderful and not offensive. Can’t flimflam the zimzam.
• The Blank Shooter: Kevin Sorbo, Miami – D/ST: -1.0 points
• Jennifer Lawrence’s Tits: Drew-Tang Clan, 32.19 points
• Backpacker’s Anonymous Inductee: Mr. Rodgers, Aaron Rodgers: 28.64 points
• The Restless Night: Michael’s Team, Antonio Gates: 27.6 points

So there’s the second week. Are the 0-2 teams dead with the new 6 team playoff system? Likely. Did I lose my ability to be funny? Potentially. Will I find the time to write a preview for next week? Mayhaps. Am I going to go into commish tools and change vigs’ team name? Looming. How many trades has Pierce sent out in an attempt to screw over Brett? Dozens. Will the first trade of the year involve Brett giving away his top draft picks? Absolutely. Am I struggling to think a name for the 6th award I thought of? What authority does my dilapidated managerial skills have to criticize any of you? Am I running out of questions? All these questions and more on the next installment.

Week 1 Recap

Well since waivers have cleared and the dust has settled on the first week of fantasy football I believe it would take it upon myself to do a recap. I know this is very noble of me while I look at a screen for 8 hours waiting to go home and look at a slightly larger screen for 4 more. Considering printing these in flyer form and distributing them out my car window. Anyway, time to get way ahead of ourselves.

Richard Shmurda(1-0): 106.84, Keanu Reeves(0-1): 92.08

I’m sure by the time I finish writing this Pierce will have nearly cleaned house outside of his two backpackers Patterson and Bell. Losing to Pierce in fantasy is a different loss category in itself. If you get the W you hold onto victory over pierce dearly and while he might pretend it didn’t happen you always have this special moment. When Conrad’s team eventually comes crashing down he’ll be like a child whom’s house burnt down but the firefighter managed to get his favorite toy to provide some solace. Your dog Alshon is still dead though.

Mr. Rodgers(1-0): 107.38, Prince Amukamaurer(0-1): 89.82

The first of the rookie W’s this week. Maurer and Ryan had one job to show the rookies how the league worked but both crumbled. We’ll chalk it up to Maurer’s defense and kicker scoring more than any of his utility players. Nico you still roster 3 QB’s and a RB who’s life is currently spiraling out of control. Good damage control with the name change but we all will remember that you loveeee Ray Rice and are a proponent for domestic violence. I  would like Maurer’s team better than Nico’s down the line if his RBs weren’t so emaciated.

SKITTLES(1-0): 141.04, Drew-Tang Clan(0-1): 104.72

Oh cool I’m supposed to take a dig at my team now so it looks like I’m writing this with no bias? Fuck that. My team had an average performance and I won’t sit around like my WRs aren’t weak as shit. Cool dude. You beat me. It’s not reminiscent of last year’s championship in anyway and didn’t send me into any kind of PTSD-esque throes.  The one dig I’d take at you would be Romo but you have Wilson on your bench. You know who else started off strong? Pol Pot. Enjoy peaking in week one.

Go For Gould(1-0): 119.56, Ryanasaurus Rex(0-1): 114.1

Remember when everyone thought Randy Quaid’s character in Independence Day was crazy but in the end he kills himself and proves everyone wrong? That’s the closest analogy I have for Brett in week one. Brett you have the managerial instincts of an alzheimer’s patient who stumbled upon an NFL ranking system from 5 years in the future. I’ll give you a nod for benching your second pick in the draft but if you hated him so much, why did you draft him? (spoiler alert: it’s because you had never heard of anyone post round 1) Toby Gerhart is a marginal NFL player Ryan and you need to accept it. Now if you only had Cincinnati’s defense…

Michael’s Team(1-0): 95.34, big daddy(0-1): 93.86

Congratulations on simultaneously having the worst match of the week while also being the most entertaining to pay attention to down the stretch. Both of your teams somehow managed to be dumpster fires in the first week which is fairly impressive because statistically speaking that should be a week 10ish occurrence when the wear and tear gets to the team. You both left a lot of points on the bench and that reflects poorly on management. Bask in your mediocrity.

WEEK ONE AWARDS

• The James Dolan (Worst Managerial Decision): Go For Gould, Picking up Alfred Blue is like drafting a defense or a kicker outside of the last 3 rounds. You’re hoping you’ll look like a genius but realistically you could have waited.
• The Blank Shooter (Lowest Scoring Starting Player): Michael’s Team, Bernard Pierce: -0.6 points
• Jennifer Lawrence’s Tits (Worst Performance vs. Projected Score Differential): Prince Amukamaurer, 22.07 points
• The Backpacker’s Anonymous Inductee (Highest Scoring Starting Player):  Prince Amukamaurer, Matt Ryan: 31.24 points (hooray dichotomy)
• The Restless Night (Highest Scoring Player on Bench):  big daddy, Knowshon Moreno: 19.4 points

See how I strategically placed bailey blowing me out in the middle? It’s called burying the lead and hopefully it kills some of the momentum in the locker room over there. Expect a preview for this weeks games tomorrow or Friday and depending on how the words flow from my brain this will more than likely become a regular occurrence. Maybe I’ll do polls and interviews? More weekly awards? Who knows. All comments will be filed away for future tirades against said commenter. Will the 0-1 teams bounce back? Will Nico ever drop Ray Rice? Will Vigs ever change his name from the default one? Will Conrad or Pierce have more waiver moves? Will you all keep placing garbage players on the trade block and acting like they will entice someone? All this and more in the weeks to come.